Bridging the gap between parents and adolescents in contemporary Maltese society

Being a parent is one of the most self-fulfilling roles in life. However, this role is constantly being challenged throughout the various stages of the child’s development. If not handled efficiently it can be detrimental to the child’s psychological development. In this article I am addressing some of the childrearing issues that Maltese parents are confronted with in relation to adolescents – namely between 14-18 years of age. 

I am basing this discussion both from my own personal experiences as a mother of 2 young adults and my academic work, more specifically my doctoral research project entitled “Life satisfaction of adolescents across cultures: A study in Malta and Australia”.

It is a well-established fact that Maltese parents have children very much at heart. We are ready to sacrifice ourselves to meet their needs especially when they are growing up. However a close examination of child-rearing practices indicates that although parents mean well, they are not aware of their children’s psychological and psychosocial needs let alone having the ability to meet those needs. This is generating an emotional distance between parents and children.

Maltese parents, for example are highly supportive of their children at an instrumental (material) level. They do what they can to give them the opportunity to have a better life than they themselves did. However, when it comes to emotional support, most parents are not providing such support. Instead of acknowledging their children’s feelings, showing compassion and understanding parents are more likely to respond in a critical manner that is far from being constructive and effective to the child’s wellbeing. Constructive criticism is critical for a child’s healthy psychological development. But the criticism that I’m referring to is not only not constructive but very destructive. It makes them feel humiliated, worthless and degraded. It cuts right through the core of their being. According to the literature, this type of criticism is not limited to Maltese parents. It is common among parents from Southern European countries.

As Maltese parents we need to be aware of such destructive criticism. I remember as a parent myself I realised that I was using this approach towards my own children when they were growing up. I did not have the education and the skills that I now have. With due respect to my mother, I was using the same approach as my mother used at me. That realisation was quite a turning point in my life with regards to my own parental skills.

From the study that I conducted in Malta, parents are not meeting the emotional needs of their children whether they are aware of it or not. When conflicts between parents and children arise, adolescents feel that “il-ġenituri ma jifhmukx” (parents do not understand you). By that we mean parents not only do not understand the situation in question, but are also not understanding, in other words there is no empathy among other things. Parents are not ready to listen. Instead they are quick to exert an authoritarian approach and say “għax hekk qgħid” (because I said so). In other words what ever I say goes.
This lack of understanding / listening skills is discouraging their children to open up to them in times of need. Instead they either reach out to friends if possible. But in many cases there is lack of trust due to the fear of gossip that is quite common in Malta. Most of the time adolescents end up bottling it up inside. This is likely to generate a sense of sheer isolation, of being on their own even in the middle of a crowd. It is also hindering children from developing a trusting relationship especially with their parents.

The research project that I conducted shows that Maltese parents are highly psychologically controlling. This manifests itself in manipulative behaviour through which parents attempt to shape their children’s behaviour by three main strategies: inducing guilt, anxiety and withdrawing love. Excessive parental expectations and achievement demands are also considered as means of attaining psychological control. Children that are subjected to parental psychological control are more likely to experience high levels of anxiety and depression; lack of self-empowerment, self-confidence and self-esteem.

The issues that I’m raising are quite sensitive. As such they need to be addressed with great understanding and compassion. As Maltese parents we come from a nation and a culture that highly valued an authoritarian approach for its survival over thousands of years. Although as a nation we have come a long way, at an individual level we are still lagging behind in our psychological needs. In addition, the intergenerational traumas mostly likely are still unresolved and are having significant implications on our daily lives, including our child rearing practices.

Due to historical circumstances, our parents and ancestors were more concerned with survival issues. Meeting their individual/psychological needs was not a priority. However, like most developed countries, we are now moving from scarcity needs to security needs. Indeed, material acquisitions lose their salience once basic needs are met. Many times concerning parents make such comments in relation to their children “They have everything. But they are still not happy. What is it that they want?”

Maltese adolescents in contemporary society are faced with enormous challenges in life. Besides going through adolescence that is a crisis in itself, these adolescents are confronted by many cultural changes, including attitudes, values and beliefs that are in conflict with the traditional culture.

As parents we need to create a warm, loving environment that helps adolescents meet the challenges in life- an environment in which adolescents feel accepted for who they are. Adolescents also need to be in an environment in which they can express themselves without fearing of being ridiculed, humiliated or emotionally rejected.

In this article I just skimmed over some issues that relate to childrearing practices within the Maltese culture. In a nutshell we as parents need to start building bridges between ‘us and them’ and narrow the emotional gap that exists between parents and adolescents in contemporary society.